I'm making this livejournal for 3 reasons.
I always wish I had an account to post on brutal honesty, and don't want to be an ass with tara's
I can't sleep
I'm wondering if my inability to sleep is a symptom of cyclothymia, and want to keep a journal of my moods.
Just, so anyone who reads this will have some idea what I am talking about, cyclothymia is a less severe form of bipolar disorder, which is characterized by more persistent and faster cycling symptoms, without any real manic phases. Instead, it has hypomanic phases, like those found in Bipolar II Disorder, but of shorter duration, and requires that a person have noticeable hypomanic and mildly depressed stages that don't stop for more than two months without treatment, for at least two years.
As a side note, a symptom of these hypomanic phases is an inability to sleep.
I do not want to be quick to diagnose myself with mental diseases, or quick to use them as an excuse for my actions,(or at least, not unless I get caught in a crime that I need a quick excuse for) but I also do not want to dismiss the idea out of romantic notions of having complete control over my own mind, as all of those will lead to an inability to actually understand myself. In order to do so, I need to try and collect information about myself, and the way my mind works, while letting it be colored as little as possible by my preconceptions
So, for my own sake, I will try and go over my recent memories that pertain to the subject at hand. I won't go over memories further back, as there is too much potential for me to have altered them to fit what I wish to believe. I will start at the first time I have recognized a strange mood as being a hypomanic phase. It ended around saturday, july 16, and began july 13th, or a few days before, possibly as many as 4. Before the onset of this, I was a bit depressed, but nothing to make a live journal and sit in a dark room writing in it while listening to The Cure about. However, when this set in, I quickly found my self completely fascinated by computer games that had been unable to even pass the time a day or two before, and searching quickly for other computer games to entertain me. After this, I found myself unable to sleep unless I had been up for at least 20 hours, or for more than 4 hours. However, that left me refreshed, but a bit clouded. I exhibited all of the symptoms of hypomania except for engaging in pleasurable acts harmful to myself.
However, this could all be explained in a different, more classical way. I could have simply found an interesting game to play and got excited about it, which I can remember doing many times in my life(this could have been evidence of hypomanic episodes), and then been unable to sleep for the excitement over that, and also the fact that it was birthday. However, I have reasons to believe that this model doesn't adequately explain the way I acted. Firstly, no amount of excitement could allow me to go 3-4 nights on 4 hours of sleep per night and feel refreshed afterwords. Secondly, I was acting sufficiently differently from the norm so that both tara and I independently thought of the possibility of biopolar disorder. Thirdly, the bipolar disorders often do not seem out of the norm for those that suffer from them, as the mind will try and find reasons to explain the moods it is in. Finally is the fact that I have many reasons to beleive that my father suffers from bipolar disorder, which makes it much more likely that I would likewise suffer from similar disorders, with it being highly inheritable.